The Hunkapillar
Now, everyone knows that the Hunkapillar is the most
colourful creature in the jungle. And while the the Hunkapillar should have
been happy with being himself, that wasn’t enough for him. The Hunkapillar
wanted to be the biggest, fattest, fastest, and loudest creature in the jungle.
So out he went.
The first creature he came across was the Explodapig. The
Explodapig was wallowing in a mud pile, screaming and burping at the top of his
lungs.
“I’m the Explodapig! I sing loud, I talk loud, I even eat
loud! No one is as loud as me and that’s the way it’ll always be! Hey! That
rhymed! Even my poems are loud!”
“You there!” screamed the Hunkapillar, “Everyone knows
you’re the loudest creature in the forest. But I want to be the loudest so now
I’m going to be louder than you!”
“Oh little Hunkapillar you should be happy the way you are.
After all, you’re the most colourful creature in the jungle.”
“No!” yelled the Hunkapillar, “That’s not enough. I also
want to be louder than you.” And he burped, he shouted, he screamed, squealed,
and hollered.
“Wow little Hunkapillar, you are louder than me!”
“What?” shouted the Hunkapillar, “You’re talking so quietly
I can’t hear you!”
The next creature he came across was the
Bottomlesspopotamus. The Bottomlesspopotamus was just finishing up his third
meal of the day, which is saying a lot because the Bottomlesspopotamus had just
been woken up 10 minutes before by a screaming match that was going on in
another part of the jungle.
“Hello Bottomlesspopotamus! I’m now louder than the
Explodapig and I want to be an even bigger eater than you!”
“Oh little Hunkapillar, that’s not a good idea. You should
be happy the way you are because you’re special the way you are.”
“No!” shouted the Hunkapillar, “That’s not enough. I’m going
to eat as much as you!”
“You could try Hunkapillar, but I’ve just visited two all
you can eat buffets, eaten two small pizzas, four large pizzas, six dozen
doughnuts, some liquorice, a bag of chips, an apple, an apple pie, six dozen
bananas, and a wafer thin mint.”
“Well watch this!” shouted the Hunkapillar. And he visited
two and a half all you can eat buffets, ate two and a half small pizzas, four
and a half large pizzas, six and a half dozen doughnuts, a lot of liquorice,
two bags of chips, two apples, two apple pies, six and a half dozen bananas,
and two wafer thin mints.
“Wow Hunkapillar, you did eat more than me.”
“Of course I did,” burped the Hunkapillar. And he walked
away. Very slowly, very loudly, and very
burpily.
The third creature he came across was the Omegaphant. Well,
he actually came across the Omegaphant’s foot because everyone knows that
Omegaphants are gigantic.
“You there! Omegaphant! Everyone knows that you are the
biggest creature in the jungle. But I want to be the biggest, and I won’t be
happy until I’m bigger than you!
“Hello little Hunkapillar, I don’t know why you want to be
bigger than I am. I’m so big that everyone is always calling me and asking me
if I can reach things off the top shelf for them. People stand underneath me
when it’s raining and no one makes hats in extra, extra, extra, humongous,
extra large sizes. You should be happy the way you are.”
But the Hunkapillar wasn’t going to be happy the way he was,
so he held his breath, he puffed out his cheeks, stood on his tiptoes, and he
grew and became bigger than the Omegaphant.
“I hope you’re happy Hunkapillar.”
“Not yet little Omegaphant, but I will be!”
And with that he pushed past the Omegaphant and galumped
through the jungle.
The Wunceasloth, who was in the jungle minding his own
business suddenly heard a
BOOM.
It wasn’t a loud boom, as far as booms go, in fact, it
wasn’t even the loudest thing in the jungle. After all, every one knows the
loudest thing in the jungle used to be the Explodapig.
But it bothered the Wunceasloth enough that he stopped
chewing for a moment and very slowly thought, “What was that?”
But Wunceasloths think slow. They talk slow. They eat slow.
So by the time the Wunceasloth finished thinking several more BOOMS had already
boomed through the jungle and the “What was that?” that the Wunceasloth was
thinking about was suddenly there. And it was unhappy.
“I am the Hunkapillar,” said the Hunkapillar, “and I demand
that you move, for I am the largest, loudest, and hungriest thing in the jungle
and now I’m off to become faster than the Unitiger!”
“No,” answered the Wunceasloth two days later.
“What?” yelled the Hunkapillar, “You dare defy me? The
Hunkapillar! The largest, hungriest, loudest animal in the jungle? Why I am
larger than the Omegaphant, hungrier than the Bottomlesspopotamus, and louder
than the Explodapig! Now get out of my way!”
“No,” answered the Wunceasloth, later on that afternoon. “It
is rude to yell and tell people to get out of your way.”
“It took you three days to say that!” yelled the
Hunkapillar. “And I’m not even sure what you said!”
“I said,” started the Wunceasloth.
“No!” shouted the Hunkapillar, “I’m in a hurry to become
faster than the Unitiger and you are in my way!”
“Why?” asked the Wunceasloth that morning, “Do you want to
be faster than the Unitigger?” and finished later in the afternoon.
“Because,” screamed the Hunkapillar, “It will make me happy.
I wasn’t happy being just a Hunkapillar, I wanted to be better than everyone
else.”
“Hmm,” hmmed the Wunceasloth, “And are you happy?”
“No! My feet hurt, I’m so full that my stomach hurts, I have
a sore throat from all this yelling, and I’m beginning to think I’m afraid of
heights! I liked it better when I was a happy little Hunkapillar.”
“Well,” said the Wunceasloth over the course of several
days. “Maybe you should go back to being yourself. You’ll be happier.”
“I think I know what you said there, although I kind of fell
asleep for most of it! And you’re right! I’ll go back to being a colourful and
happy Hunkapillar.”
And he did. And he was.
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