Dress for Success

I really want to see District 9. It looks awesome and has aliens. However, I do have one question when it comes to alien movies...

Why are they always naked?

E.T. was naked.
Signs aliens were naked.
Close Encounters aliens were naked.
Independence Day aliens were naked.
War of the Worlds aliens were naked.

So I was wondering why all the aliens who invade Earth show up in their birfday suits? (See what I did there? I spelled birthday "birfday" so that all the kids would think I'm cool.) Are we so ineffectual as a race that all the aliens in the galaxy think it's unfair to come to our planet with an extra pair of underwear?
Really now, if you decided to attack a rival country would you do so without any pants? It might work for a moment, the invadees might laugh, point, and say, "Put some pants on buddy! We can see your ding-dong!" But then they'd kick you in the ding-dong and the invasion would be over.

Besides, we don't have the ideal climate for naked invading. Maybe in Mexico or California you can invade naked, but up here in Canada, in February you'd definitely want some mittens or a toque or one of those awesome snowsuits we had as kids...you know the ones, you stepped in them and then zipped them up from the crotch to the neck...awesome. And your mittens were attached to each other by some yarn and looped through the arms of your snowsuit. Now there's some excellent invasion gear my friends!

Stupid Fitness

I would like to say something about running as a form of exercise.

It's dumb.

There's a lot of people out there who would disagree with me and say, "Oh no Andrew, I disagree with you. Running is a lot of fun."

Really? What's fun about running? The achy legs? The shortness of breath? The searing chest pain? The sweating? The stupid crappy weather? When does the fun kick in?

What's wrong with walking? Walking is fun. Walking doesn't come with searing chest pain. Walking doesn't make your legs ache. Walking is a perfectly fine form of exercise. Walking was a major form of transportation until some asshat decided it wasn't good enough.

It was probably some Greek guy. A bunch of Greeks were probably sitting around talking about walking and one guy pipes up with, "Hey Androcles, I heard you talking about walking. Yeah, I used to walk, but then I discovered that if I make my legs go faster I get places sooner. Then I can start philosophizing earlier and try on different styles of togas."

And then all the other Greeks said, "Cool" in Greek and started running too. But none of them were manly enough to complain about all the aches and pains that come with running and instead designed better sandals so that they could have improved arch support.

I don't think I like the Greeks. I like their cuisine and stylish beards, but I dislike the fact that they introduced running to the masses. I bet if more of them drank hemlock there'd be a lot less running.

Hurry boy she's waiting...

My underwear was higher than my pants yesterday and I found it oddly disturbing.

That has nothing to do with anything but I wanted to share it with anyone who's listening.

I understand why a lot of singers release cover versions as their first singles rather than release something they wrote themselves. Karl Wolf releases Africa because Africa was an awesome song. But how much money does he make off that? Won't the royalties go to Toto? Can he really afford to be spending time on that remote island? Who paid for his fat friend to show up? And what's with that gross way he leers and oogles that young lady who walks past him on the beach? Ladies, does that work?

If some skinny, bald, white guy leers at you on the beach are you going to give him the time of day? Because she sure did! And I know that she's an actress or trying to be an actress or thinks she's an actress, but lets have some honesty in music videos! In real life she would laugh and walk away, then tell her friends about the greasy little white guy with bad teeth who thought he had a chance with her. They'd laugh, rub suntan lotion on each other than go back to their hotel room and have a pillow fight in their underwear! That's real life my friends!

And who is this Karl Wolf guy anyway? He was with some band in the 90s. And if I'm right, he wasn't even the singer. He was the skinny guitar player in the background. They had a fairly big hit for radio then the main guy left. Then he hooked up with some girl and had another moderate hit in the 90s. So he had two modest hits but nothing breakthrough. He never made it to Pearl Jam standards or The Rolling Stones. The guy never even became a one hit wonder.

A one hit wonder is awesome. A two hit wonder is pathetic. If I said to you, "do you remember K's Choice" you'd say "No, who the hell is K's Choice and why are staring at my chest like that?" And I'd say, "you spilled some mustard," and then I'd sing, "I'm not an addict it's cool I feel all right if you don't have it you're on the other side" (the tune doesn't really come across on your computer). And you say, "I love that song! They used to play that song at the club when I was in university." And then we'd list a bunch of other one hit wonders that we liked but if at some time one of us mentioned Nelly (it wouldn't be me, I hate rap music) we'd remember that he had a couple of songs and that would ruin the whole conversation. See two hit wonders suck!

Someone should have seen this coming.

A little while ago my wife participated in a work event where a psychic was available to give everyone a reading. My wife went in and was told that I would be receiving a large sum of money within the year.

Guess what? I have not received said funds as of yet and it's been two years and counting.

What can I do? Is there some Better Business Bureau for psychics that I can call and complain to? Would they even answer the phone?

I can see them now, sitting around their one telephone as I'm calling:

Ring-ring
"Don't answer that! It's that guy calling to complain about Mistress Pam. She foretold that he would come into a large amount of money and he has not received said funds as of yet."
"That Mistress Pam! She's such a little dickens. We can't let another mortal complain about her because then we'll have to banish her from the International Order of those Who See and we definitely need her gifts when the End of the World happens."
"When was that going to happen again?"
"Thursday."
"Right."

Mistress Pam doesn't know me at all. She doesn't know what my spending habits are like. What if I immediately went out and bought a ridiculously large HD television and a case of beer? I'd look pretty stupid when I wasn't able to pay off the credit card.

Or what if I was in deep with the Mob? Again I'd look pretty stupid explaining to Johnny "12 Knuckles" Marscaponti that a psychic told me I'd be receiving a lot of money so he doesn't need to break my knees at all...oh, and by the way, I'd like to bet $12,000 on the Steelers next Sunday.

Honestly, I'm not sure how much longer I can keep Johnny's goons away. And just yesterday, they showed me their new bat.

I'm getting nervous here Mistress Pam.

Pretty straightforward.

I don't like it when someone says, "Know what I'm sayin'" when they haven't said anything at all.

For instance, a while ago I was watching an interview with some rapper who said, "I was going out, you know what I'm sayin'?"

Yes. Yes I do. It was not a complicated sentence. Allow me to break it down for you.

You were going out.

Pretty straightforward I think.

I mean, if he was a thoracic surgeon discussing the latest innovations in thoracic surgery, I might have a problem. For example:

"I have recently uncovered an extreme case of pectus excavatum that lead to a mitral valve prolapse. You know what I'm sayin'?"

No. Absolutely not. Please explain in layman's terms.

Seriously, is it necessary to ask over and over again if your audience knows what you are saying? If you're concerned about your communication skills perhaps you should take a class or have a little more self-esteem. Perhaps if you were more confident in yourself you wouldn't need to ask over and over again.

That was probably the problem. That guy was one of those shy rappers. Those modest rappers you don't hear about! That poor man. I can only imagine how hard it must be for him when he's surrounded by all those other over-confident rappers, struggling to try and communicate, asking over and over again if they know what he's saying.